I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
