we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
