just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i think my cat just said my name.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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