Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
