after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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