Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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