Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
