I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
