I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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