im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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