Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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