I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I enjoy the company of your penis
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
