I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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