Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
