sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
