I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
