My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
