I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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