Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
