Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
