I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Hippo gnu deer
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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