life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
