Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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