I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
