I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
