I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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