you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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