True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
