if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?