i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
