i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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