i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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