Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
