I just threw up on my dentist
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
