Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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