dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
