Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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