I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
