So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
