i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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