Soap is not a condiment
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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