This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
