Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
