so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
