I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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