My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
