Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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