I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
