So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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