i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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