I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
