nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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